I took a different approach to my column this time. Instead of giving tips on how not to get caught cheating, or finding out if you’re the other girl, I decided to be a little more opinionative. Today’s topic is about trying to work things out and staying together. Some people are together but yet are really far apart. It happens over time and if you don’t constantly revisit your relationships, there is no way that you will survive. Never lose track of WHO you are, it’s OK to be you! Sometimes the grass IS greener on the other side, but that comes along with a higher grass bill!

Guys and girls have several distinct differences.  Girls need their “girl” time and guys will have a night that’s “just the fellas” time. As time passes – and the couples gets more into each other, they start losing touch with their friends. Girl time and fellas time starts decreasing. We girls tend to talk a lot and be silly amongst each other. We gossip constantly, watch TV, laugh, talk about our boyfriends, and love to play dress up. We like going to the club looking our hottest even if we don’t plan on dancing or flirting with anyone. Guys get to the point, watch sports, argue, get drunk, talk about other girls (not their own), and crack jokes on each other. As time passes, and less time gets spent with friends, many start to look for the qualities that they had in their friends  with their mates, but their mate is of the opposite sex and is also – their mate. Sensitivity issues arise because for example – the girl doesn’t want to get cracked on by her man and the guy might not want to be silly or talk about girlie stuff.  Since they each haven’t been spending that much time anymore with their friends, when they go to do just that – it becomes a problem. It becomes a sort of – “trying to get away from each other thing.” Now each partner feels like they are being talked about so they find it necessary to do the same. Instead of a “what’s good type of thing” – it becomes what’s wrong with my relationship topic. It becomes a he’s this; she’s that- unloading session.

The question that arises is – who are they talking to? The same friends they each had before unless very close, are usually not going to be there because they can’t relate since they are not in a relationship that they are trying to work on and probably just playing the field.  Now most girls have many male friends because they say they tend to relate to them better. They begin telling their male friends about what’s going on and the male friend listens exclusively and offers suggestions and reinforcement on why she is right and her man is wrong.  This makes her feel better about herself and worst towards her man because here is another man backing her up 100%.  Whether or not this girl starts having feelings for her male friend really depends on how slick he is, what his intentions are and whether or not she feels like her man is cheating. She might just get with her male friend since he is there for her to listen to her for hours until she lets her guard down. Either way – that is a whole other issue so we’ll stay on the subject of connecting.  As for the guy. Most guys as well will have female friends that they speak to. These female friends usually are not close to the guys mate.  The guy will get to the point and their female friends will be appalled by the girlfriend’s behavior. This will make the guy feel as if he is completely right and make him wonder why he is dealing with the situation instead of just giving up. Whether or not he gets with his ‘go to’ friend really depends on how willing she is and whether or not he thinks there is still hope for his current relationship in question.

Now the couple is discussing their situation just not with each other, but with an uninvolved 3rd party, which is drawing them even more apart. The next step is the intimacy aspect.  When a woman doesn’t feel connected she does not want to be intimate. She will feel violated and like someone is penetrating her personal space. She will want to first be connected emotionally before reinstating their sex life. The guys on the other hand, connect with intimacy.  Lack of intimacy makes a guy wonder if she doesn’t want him anymore and if she is getting it elsewhere because it is hard for guys to fathom how anyone can not want to have sex all the time. If he really thinks that she is getting it elsewhere then he will start looking for the same.  The guy will start to act like he doesn’t care if she doesn’t give him any and the girl will start thinking that now he is getting it somewhere else. Unfortunately – this doesn’t get much better after this point. The relationship starts to be a burden and both mates are seeking to find someone for acceptance. It is a very difficult thing to overcome but not impossible, however it does take lots of work.

Relationships are not easy in any way, but if you are both honest with each other and respect each other enough to not cheat and are honest with how you feel and why, your relationship can be a great asset. People are different, and everyone wants something that is their own to be proud of.

It’s very easy to walk away and start fresh with someone else but it’s the trying to really make things work that will help you grow as a person. If you learn from your past relationships you won’t make the same mistakes twice.  Having someone with whom you can really communicate with even when it’s not easy is one of the best things you can have, it’s priceless.  With all the diseases out in the world today, you must be very careful who you sleep with. If you are lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone who you think is or at least once was the right one for you, try your best to make it work, reconnect and stay connected! I wish you all love and happiness where ever and however you may find it. Good luck!

Love,

Kelly Kell